Jesus, I'm at my wit's end trying to understand my father. And my mother, but that's pretty much a given so it doesn't surprise me at all. Why oh why couldn't I get fully functional adult parents? Why mine are so uber-strange and socially-challenged? Really... I've always known they are unique, but why do they have to be so damn impractical as well?
My father drove over 300 km to our home today, to insulate the water boiler that sits in the garage and is basically in outside temperatures and thus freezes in the below zero temperatures. We could have done this by ourselves as this has been done in previous years also. We didn't need him to drive 300 km to come and insulate it. We thought he as going to stay until Thursday and start building the wall between the far end of the garage, which will remain as a storage space, and our future bathroom. This wall, when ready, would corner the boiler off from the outside temperatures and it would actually be worthwile to try and heat the room it is in to prevent the pipes freezing and bursting. The materials needed for this wall were bought 2 months ago because he said he couldn't do anything without them. He chose the most expensive kind of insulated Leca blocks and they had to be delivered as quickly as possible. Now they sit beside our garage door, covered in snow. We weren't allowed to carry them into the garage, because they would've been in the way of my father's work with the wall. The wall he still after two months hasn't even begun.
Today he drove here and stayed for three hours max. Then he left with a string of excuses from it being a too cold weather to work anyway to the room where he usually sleeps in being too cold. There's a heater which warms up the room in an hour or so and it's not like the cold weather came as a surprise to him. It's just as cold here as it is where he lives.
He didn't come here to work, that is clear, but he also didn't come here to see us or he would've actually sat down and drank a cup of coffee and eaten some of the plum pastries I baked. All the while he was here, he acted like he couldn't get away fast enough. So he insulated the boiler and left without really even a proper goodbye. He just said he was going to drive back home because there wasn't anything he could do anyways (the wall?) and because he didn't have the materials he needed (the Leca blocks?) and because of this and that. And when I suggested that it was kind of insane to drive 300 km and not even stay the night and leave in the morning, he just shrugged and left.
WTF is happening with my family? Are we all going nuts? My mother is a workaholic over-achieverand kind of OCD with lots of things. My father is just unable to communicate about anything or tell people what he is going to do before he's going to do it and I'm depressed. What a great little family we have.
Yes... I'm really baffled about tonight. I have no clue if I said something to piss my father off or if he had some plans he didn't want to share with us or whatever it is that happened. I just don't get it that anyone drives 600 km in one day just for... a boiler? It's not like it hasn't frozen before.
Ah well... I guess my mother will tell us tomorrow what this was all about. If she can dig the truth out of my father that is.
My therapist is going to take time off from work to take care of her sick father. She told me today. I will only have one more session with her before Christmas and then she's gone. She told me to think if I want to continue with someone else or if I even need to continue to talk to anyone. She seems to think that I am OK and that I have a strong and healthy relationship, which should be support enough for me. Ultimately it is my decision, but she did think that I might not need a therapist.
I feel so much better than I did in the spring when I first met her. The medication helped me over the worst. But the doctor who sent me to her in the first place spoke about at least two years of therapy with weekly appointments and I've only been seeing my therapist since spring every other week and not at all during the summer time. It seems to me like we have barely scratched the surface. I've just got to know her and now she'll be leaving. It is such a sad thing because I really like her and trust her and find it very easy to share my thoughts and feelings with her. I understand her decision and I don't feel like she is "abandoning" me. I'm just scared.
It took me so long to finally get help. I was declined an opportunity to see a psychologist every single time I tried to get an appointment through the puclic health care sector. Only after I went to a private clinic, they sent me to see a therapist. I don't find it easy to ask for help and I consider myself lucky now that I do have a place to go to talk about my problems. I may not be suicidal or danger to others, but I still think I deserve to have my appointment. It scares me that my therapist thinks that I'm fine. Obviously I do something wrong if she doesn't see how I hang in there only by a very thin thread. I'm better than before, but only just barely. I could so easily slip backwards. One setback that's a little bigger than usual or one school or work assignment that drains all my energy or just one nasty person more to deal with. Those could all be enough to take me back to where I was. I feel like the worst cloud above my head is gone, but the depression is still there, looming at the horizon, ready to strike. It's not banished for good. I feel like every single time before when I have picked myself up without a therapist. I can do it and go on with my life, but the gloomy feelings remain. They aren't in total control over my life, but they remain.
I have heard that there are people who don't feel gloomy at all or only very seldomly. I can even distantly remember a time when I didn't feel gloomy, so I'm thinking that I'm not fine yet.
So yeah... another long break.
The reasons are both good and bad. It seems life has a way of pulling me away from the computer when I least expect it.
My computer broke down and in an attempt to save some money fiancé promised to build me a kickass computer out of the spare parts that he has lying around with some new quality parts bought just for my fantastic new machine. The first store took a month to let us know that the parts we ordered were no longer available anywhere. The second store took a month to notify that the memory we ordered was no longer in their storage and while we agreed to another kind of memory (which they supposedly did have), they went and sold the parts that they had reserved for us to someone else so that suddenly our order was missing even more than just the memory. The parts were supposed to arrive this week and we had planned to buy the missing pieces from somewhere else, but now I just don't know. Fiancé gave me his laptop to use and I've been downloading and installing programs all evening to make it work for me while we figure out a way to get those damn computer parts without paying more than for a ready-built computer.
I caught H1N1 and being a pregnant person the health care system took me all seriously and fed me Tamiflu and ordered me to stay at home until all symptoms were gone. That meant two weeks away from school. Not that I would've been able to go to class with my fever. The problem is that now I'm not going to graduate before Christmas. I'll probably have to stay at school up until it's time for me to give birth. I had been hoping that I could've finished my studies well before that, but life seems to have a different plan for me.
Me and three of my classmates have founded a business that sells super-cute winter hats for kids (we have cats, bunnies, cows, crocodiles and frogs). It's not a "real" business, but a kind of a make-shift one in which we can practise how to run a business. We all invest small amounts of money and then we buy materials, make hats and sell them. We've been in business for roughly a month and sold our hats at two events for a grand total of 21 hats and we have 15 pending orders to deliver before Christmas. For the last two weeks I've been cutting fabric and sewing more than in a long long time. With this much success we are entertaining the idea of continueing our make-shift business as a real one when the time is up for the school course next spring. We'd love to expand our line of children's clothing with at least onesies, animal hoodies (with ears and horns and the like) and stuffed animals at some point and slowly build up the amount of different products. We haven't even advertised anywhere really and the word is still spreading quickly and the orders keep coming in. It's kind of overwhelming.
Then there has been plenty of problems with my mother and my father and for some odd reason our dog seems to be at the center of all the issues although none of the issues really relate to the poor animal. I feel really almost all the time that there are too many people trying to influence my decisions and my life and our decisions and our life. It is so tiring to fight back all the time. I don't know what is this sudden need for my parents and fiancé's mother to take extra-interest in our life. They weren't like this when I was expecting our daughter, so why now? Suddenly we can't do anything right by their book. It seems there's hardly ever a weekend when we are at home just by ourselves. There's always my mother over with the pretense of working with fiancé (she is his boss) or my father over to continue the renovation or fiancé's mother over to just visit us or a friend over, because I was too nice to say no to them. I know I need to set some boundaries, but I've been so tired and so busy and so sick that I just haven't found the energy. It sometimes feels like other people are trying to take over my life, if that makes any sense. I'm hoping that I could just pass Christmas and not do the family thing. I'm not sure if my fake smile will last long enough with the relatives.
I'm so furious about this Roman Polanski affair that I simply must comment on it. Perhaps I am ignorant as I had no idea about these statutory rape charges against him, but I am glad I do know now. And I'm shocked to see what an elitist morally-perversed bunch these Hollywood people are, who think he should walk free just because he is Roman Polanski.
The whole issue to me is not even that he had sex with a minor, but that he drugged her and raped her several times. It's not just
a bad moral call on his part, but a clearly criminal act, which he must have known when he was doing it. He then got caught, admitted what he had done and ran. Why would he deserve any lesser sentence now after all these years on the run than he would have deserved back then in 1977?
I am so shocked that these celebrities
(who are in my opinion supposed to set an example, because they are idols to many people) are taking a clearly questionable moral stand by signing a petition calling for the release of Roman Polanski. Whoopi Goldberg has apparently said that she does not think it was a rape-rape
. Yeah... if it was just inappropriate touching and some nude photos instead of a rape-rape
, then it must not be wrong, right? He has confessed to all the awful details! What is there to question, Whoopi? He has confessed and never received his sentence because he was a coward rich man who had the possibility to run and he chose to take it, instead of taking responsibility of his acts. Now it's coming back to bite him and all of you two-faced saviours of the world are flocking around him and telling him and the world that it's okay to molest children if you are rich enough to escape or buy your way out of the mess. You pretend to be all righteous and donate money to different kinds of charities and judge the real
criminals and when one of your own is charged with a horrible criminal offense, your moral standards suddenly change. That is a double-standard.
There are several of my favorite film directors on that petition list and I'm shocked and saddened to see their names there. I don't care how beautiful and touching films you make from this point on, they won't make it on my shelf. Pedro Almodovar, Woody Allen, Darren Aronofsky, Alfonso Cuaron, Costa Gavras, Terry Gilliam, Alejandro Gonzales Innaritu, Wong Kar Wai, Emir Kusturica, David Lynch, Michael Mann, Walter Salles, Martin Scorcese, Wim Wenders among many others... shame on you. You disgust me.
Since this has been the topic of the day and the last months (since May 2008 really) I feel like I have to rant on this a little.
The Finnish government is in a bit of a crisis. Our prime minister (besides many other politicians, members of the parliament and even ministers) has accepted money coming from very questionable sources, used it to fund his campaign before the last election and then "forgotten" to follow the law and make this funding public as it should be made. On top of this he has pretended that he doesn't know where the money came from or how it was used and when proof has surfaced about meetings with the CEOs of the companies or organizations who gave the funding, he conveniently has once again remembered just as much as the proof suggests but nothing more until more proof is found and he once again magically regains his memory of certain events.
He has accepted funding for example from a youth organization, which is meant to provide services for young people and be politically neutral (ie. not fund politicians in any way). This organization in turn has got funding from RAY which is the organization that runs all the slot machines in the country and is allowed to keep running them because they give so much money to charity organizations. RAY is also politically neutral and does not fund politicians. So the prime minister has not only broken the law on a personal level by accepting money that he shouldn't have (and lied about it to his voters and the general public), but he has overlooked the fact that his funders have broken the law and their own rules as well.
The opposition is urging him to resign and he is refusing. It's this great big drama that has new twists and turns every single day.
Being a rather left-wing girl myself, I was sad when our country got a right-wing led parliament, but never in my wildest dreams did I think they would manage this kind of scandal. I'm not saying that the left wing parties haven't been included in this mess, but at least they haven't lied about it quite so blatantly as the biggest right-wing parties.
And all in all it really doesn't matter who did what and when. The fact is that our parliament is corrupt and accepting bribes from firms and organizations. They deny any sort of promises of co-operation with each other besides the funding, but no one knows what has been discussed behind closed doors and what promises have been made, especially since all parties involved seem to suffer from amnesia. It's not a crime in Finland to accept money from private donors or from firms if it's all legal and well documented, so in essence one can't call this corruption but that's just a matter of which words to use.
The vice prime minister said today on national television that nothing has been intentionally kept from the public and they have always worked in the boundaries of the law so therefore they have done nothing wrong. I just cringe at this comment. Since when has it meant that if you are able to manouvre your financial crimes within the boundaries of law, it means that what you do is morally just? That is exactly why laws need to be clarified and changed from time to time. There are always people who find ways to work around the actual words of law even when they are working completely against the true meaning of the law. In a way such a crime is worse than breaking the law accidentally, because you've really had to think about how you can do it without getting caught.
I'm not so angry about the money these politicians have accepted, but about the fact that they've lied to everyone with straight faces. They have sworn to know nothing about the mess and then suddenly they do know a little bit here and there and then a little more still. I'm angry that they put themselves in such a high pedestal that they think they can be above the law while everyone else must suffer the consequences if they do something criminal. I'm angry that something like this is possible in Finland in today's society. And I'm angry because they are trying to sweep this under the rug, belittleing the effect this has on the ordinary people.
I do not trust my government to make just decisions concerning my country if they can't even do the same with their own political careers. And if I do not trust the government, I want to change it. I want to have a say on who gets to take that salary each month. Very least the prime minister and the vice prime minister should go. Not because I think their political views are wrong, but because I think they can't tell the difference between right and wrong.
The next few days will tell if this government will continue or if we get a new election. Most likely no one will resign and everything will go on as before, except that the general public no longer trusts the government. Finnish people are so passive that they won't get all riled up and take to the streets like the French always do when they think something is unjust. Finnish people mutter at home and with friends but never demonstrate their opinions publically. In large masses anyway. There are some groups that do, but never the majority of the nation or even a substantial amount of people. That drives me up the wall so often. Why don't the others care enough to show their opinions? Because obviously they don't care enough to act. And that is sad. In a way that makes us deserving of such a bullshit government.
I had my first ultrasound today and it turns out that I'm 2 weeks further along than previously estimated. That in turn means that no one really knows for sure when the due date is going to be. The date they gave me is just a guess, but it can be just as well two weeks off the mark. Not that I mind really. Pregnancy due dates are never an exact science.
There's nothing that could lift your spirits more than seeing those tiny hands and feet move. The baby was moving all the time and kicking his/her feet up and down. It's really difficult to interpret those blurry ultrasound images, but this nurse was such an angel, explaining in detail, where is each part of the body in any given moment. Everything was fine as long as she could tell and that was a big relief.
I've been having lower abdominal pain for the last two days and I was really getting worried, but now that I know that I'm further along with the pregnancy, it all makes sense. I even suspect I felt a few kicks this evening after getting back from the hospital, but that might be just me wishing.
I've also already told the big news to one of my classmates, who is also pregnant. It's been really lovely to talk with her and have someone there who really understands what it means to be tired during the first trimester or how difficult (impossible) it is to fight the nausea when it kicks in. I'm planning on telling the rest of my circle of friends tomorrow and after my mother gets home from her holiday I'll tell her as well. Feeling much better now that I've begun letting the secret out :)
I've been absent and I probably continue to be a while longer. Until I find myself again, or at least a little part of me. I'm feeling exhausted, lost and broken.
A lot of this is because I haven't been taking my anti-depressants since July. I haven't been taking them because I'm pregnant and the pills can cause all sorts of problems with the phoetus development. I should have talked about my pregnancy already with my psychologist, but I just haven't felt ready. I don't feel even remotely ready to tell anyone and the bumb is beginning to show. For a while people might still think that I've just gained weight, but not for very much longer.
After the enormous paper dress project ended two weeks ago, I felt empty at first and then the depression began to kick in really hard. The last time it was this hard was when I went to see the doctor and got diagnosed, also after a time-consuming and really tiring project ended. I just don't seem to know how to move on to the next project. I feel like I could sleep for weeks and when I'm awake I just feel hollow and unable to do anything. I can't get a hold of anything and I get this weird feeling of being completely isolated from everyone and everything, like I was inside a glass box and the world kept going on all around me, but I could only sit in my box and watch the days go by. I feel sort of paralyzed inside.
I also hurt my back on Tuesday after the grand paper dress fashion show while I was walking our dog. I stepped into this hole in the ground and sprained my ankle and apparently pulled the back muscle at the same time. I didn't notice anything wrong with my back until I woke up in the middle of the night into this excruciating pain on the right lower back region.
I immediately thought that it was something pregnancy related and got really scared, because that big a pain could not mean anything good. Then I thought I might have kidney infection once again (I've had it twice before and the back pain is just horrible) and panicked a little more. All this time I was on my hands and knees on the bed moaning and trying in vain to wake up my fiance who just kept on snoring (men!). Then I finally calmed down a little and figured that I could not develop that bad a kidney infection over night without any prior symptoms and if I'd have such a bad infection that my back would ache this much, I must have a high fever too (I had none). I was already much calmer as that was ruled out and I forced myself to walk to the computer and search for any pregnancy complications including this kind of back pain. I found none that would fit. At this point I was shivering and feeling really odd besides the continuous pain and I decided to check my fever again. I went back to bedroom and took out the thermometer and fell asleep while I was holding it under my arm. When I woke up the pain was still there but not nearly as bad.
So I've been at home since then taking care of my back and getting all depressed. The prospect of going to school tomorrow doesn't really make me feel happy. It always gets harder to step out of the door and go to school the longer I stay away. But it is also hard to fake that everything is okay. I could talk to my classmates in some other setting and say that everything is not okay, but at school the communication is always pretty light and I'm not sure that I'm up to a casual chat and a giggle. Or meeting the teacher. I don't have the energy to explain everything to her.
My next appointment with the psychologist is about one week away. Then I will have to tell her about the pregnancy. I'm not sure why it is such a big a deal. She is probably the one person who I know will react really well. She is paid to make me feel better, so she has to react well. I think it's more the fact that I have to say it out loud to someone. It kind of makes it inevitable that I have to say it to others as well... and there are so many who I need to tell it to. And when it's been said everything will be easier.
I won't have to pretend that I have the energy to do everything like before. I won't have to pretend that I don't feel nauseous when I smell food. And I won't have to stress about finding a shirt from my wardrobe that would hide the bumb. I could share my worries and joys with my friends and in essence be me instead of having to hold back all the time.
I had this enormous rant about my school and teacher all typed up and then I left it for a day and it felt stupid to post it now that my anger has almost gone away. I've also been sick for the past week and thus decided to give myself some shopping therapy :)
These shoes have been paid and will soon head my way and I just can't wait.
Iron Fist Hara Kiri Peep-Toe Heels
Iron Fist Muerte Killer Heels
I don't know where I'll wear these, but who cares. They are awesome ;)
And once again, I am officially a student.
As our teacher held the annual "welcome-here-are-all-the-rules" meeting, I found out that my prayers had been answered. From now on my school begins not at 8am but ten past, which is the time I have arrived throughout the 3 previous years. I am always late and that is how I am wired. If I am on time it is by accident because my clock was in wrong time. I'm not proud of it, but it seems I can't help myself. The curious thing is of course that I'm hardly ever late from meeting my friends ;)
It was alright to be back at school. There's six of us from previous year; two girls are like me and didn't graduate last May due to different kinds of reasons and 3 stayed for one more year to study hat making (millinery). I was also planning on staying that extra year to get two diplomas at once, but now there is the pregnancy thing and quite obviously I can't stay for the whole year.
My teacher was very optimistic and thought it would be possible for me to graduate at Christmas. She is usually quite bitter and seems to hate her life, but today (perhaps because it was the first day of school) she was in a happy place and so excited about me getting my studies done and continueing my studies with the millinery degree. I simply didn't have the heart to tell her that I won't be doing any hats. I also didn't know how to tell her, because I don't want to tell her yet about the pregnancy. It is such a new thing and part of the fun is keeping it to ourselves and not telling our friends and family (let alone teachers) just yet. We can read baby websites and admire cute little onesies in a store without our mothers bombarding us with phone calls on how I am feeling on any given moment. I want to get past at least that magical 12 week mark before I'm ready to spread the news.
Mostly I am worried about telling about my pregnancy to my mother. Last time she reacted well and my father was all shocked and didn't know what to say, but having more than one child has always been something of an issue for my mother. I am an only child and I think it is difficult for her to understand why someone would want more. Apparently I was quite enough for her, both in good and bad. So I don't feel that I can predict her reaction by the last one. I think she is going to think that having another baby is a bad idea (for us) but she won't say it because that wouldn't be polite, which doesn't really make things any better since I will know what she thinks any way from her expression and tone of voice.
Sometimes it really wears me down how difficult it is to communicate with my mother.
I did the test today and two pink lines appeared. Fiance bought it for me and I hid it in the room where we sleep at my parents' house. I then waited until my mother went to take her after-work nap and barricaded myself in the [only] bathroom. I read a book while I waited the instructed five minutes.
In truth I knew that I was pregnant. For three days already I've been dealing with head aches and a really awful nausea in the mornings. I'm also really tired all the time. The head ache lasts all day although it subsides towards the evening. The nausea is worst around midday and then slowly gets better and in the evening I feel quite alright. Six more weeks of this.
I'm happy. I didn't know how much I wanted to be a mother before our daughter was born. With her everything has been difficult from the nightmarish colic to the teething and ear infection and still I want more children. Because even though it is tough, those little moments each day when she does something new, something she has just learned or simply just giggles, they are the ones I think of and remember. To me she is the most adorable little girl in the world, even when she screams in the middle of the night because her ears ache and I can't do anything but to try to comfort her.
Fiance is happy. He worries a lot about me and daughter and now he worries about the pregnancy too. He is scared that something will go wrong. Somehow he didn't think of that when I was pregnant the first time. It dawned on him only after our daughter was born. I worry too of course, but I read a lot of pregnancy-related books and articles the first time and I think I feel a bit calmer now. I at least have a vague idea how things should move along.
At the moment I just worry about getting through the daily stuff while feeling nauseated all the time. The diaper changes are the worst. I don't even know how I manage those.
I had completely forgotten how physically draining this first trimester is. The rest of the pregnancy was so amazing. I'd better start browsing for some onesies in the mornings so that I forget my nausea and focus on the good stuff.