I'm so furious about this Roman Polanski affair that I simply must comment on it. Perhaps I am ignorant as I had no idea about these statutory rape charges against him, but I am glad I do know now. And I'm shocked to see what an elitist morally-perversed bunch these Hollywood people are, who think he should walk free just because he is Roman Polanski.

The whole issue to me is not even that he had sex with a minor, but that he drugged her and raped her several times. It's not just a bad moral call on his part, but a clearly criminal act, which he must have known when he was doing it. He then got caught, admitted what he had done and ran. Why would he deserve any lesser sentence now after all these years on the run than he would have deserved back then in 1977?

I am so shocked that these celebrities (who are in my opinion supposed to set an example, because they are idols to many people) are taking a clearly questionable moral stand by signing a petition calling for the release of Roman Polanski. Whoopi Goldberg has apparently said that she does not think it was a rape-rape. Yeah... if it was just inappropriate touching and some nude photos instead of a rape-rape, then it must not be wrong, right? He has confessed to all the awful details! What is there to question, Whoopi? He has confessed and never received his sentence because he was a coward rich man who had the possibility to run and he chose to take it, instead of taking responsibility of his acts. Now it's coming back to bite him and all of you two-faced saviours of the world are flocking around him and telling him and the world that it's okay to molest children if you are rich enough to escape or buy your way out of the mess. You pretend to be all righteous and donate money to different kinds of charities and judge the real criminals and when one of your own is charged with a horrible criminal offense, your moral standards suddenly change. That is a double-standard.

There are several of my favorite film directors on that petition list and I'm shocked and saddened to see their names there. I don't care how beautiful and touching films you make from this point on, they won't make it on my shelf. Pedro Almodovar, Woody Allen, Darren Aronofsky, Alfonso Cuaron, Costa Gavras, Terry Gilliam, Alejandro Gonzales Innaritu, Wong Kar Wai, Emir Kusturica, David Lynch, Michael Mann, Walter Salles, Martin Scorcese, Wim Wenders among many others... shame on you. You disgust me.

Since this has been the topic of the day and the last months (since May 2008 really) I feel like I have to rant on this a little.

The Finnish government is in a bit of a crisis. Our prime minister (besides many other politicians, members of the parliament and even ministers) has accepted money coming from very questionable sources, used it to fund his campaign before the last election and then "forgotten" to follow the law and make this funding public as it should be made. On top of this he has pretended that he doesn't know where the money came from or how it was used and when proof has surfaced about meetings with the CEOs of the companies or organizations who gave the funding, he conveniently has once again remembered just as much as the proof suggests but nothing more until more proof is found and he once again magically regains his memory of certain events.

He has accepted funding for example from a youth organization, which is meant to provide services for young people and be politically neutral (ie. not fund politicians in any way). This organization in turn has got funding from RAY which is the organization that runs all the slot machines in the country and is allowed to keep running them because they give so much money to charity organizations. RAY is also politically neutral and does not fund politicians. So the prime minister has not only broken the law on a personal level by accepting money that he shouldn't have (and lied about it to his voters and the general public), but he has overlooked the fact that his funders have broken the law and their own rules as well.

The opposition is urging him to resign and he is refusing. It's this great big drama that has new twists and turns every single day.

Being a rather left-wing girl myself, I was sad when our country got a right-wing led parliament, but never in my wildest dreams did I think they would manage this kind of scandal. I'm not saying that the left wing parties haven't been included in this mess, but at least they haven't lied about it quite so blatantly as the biggest right-wing parties.

And all in all it really doesn't matter who did what and when. The fact is that our parliament is corrupt and accepting bribes from firms and organizations. They deny any sort of promises of co-operation with each other besides the funding, but no one knows what has been discussed behind closed doors and what promises have been made, especially since all parties involved seem to suffer from amnesia. It's not a crime in Finland to accept money from private donors or from firms if it's all legal and well documented, so in essence one can't call this corruption but that's just a matter of which words to use.

The vice prime minister said today on national television that nothing has been intentionally kept from the public and they have always worked in the boundaries of the law so therefore they have done nothing wrong. I just cringe at this comment. Since when has it meant that if you are able to manouvre your financial crimes within the boundaries of law, it means that what you do is morally just? That is exactly why laws need to be clarified and changed from time to time. There are always people who find ways to work around the actual words of law even when they are working completely against the true meaning of the law. In a way such a crime is worse than breaking the law accidentally, because you've really had to think about how you can do it without getting caught.

I'm not so angry about the money these politicians have accepted, but about the fact that they've lied to everyone with straight faces. They have sworn to know nothing about the mess and then suddenly they do know a little bit here and there and then a little more still. I'm angry that they put themselves in such a high pedestal that they think they can be above the law while everyone else must suffer the consequences if they do something criminal. I'm angry that something like this is possible in Finland in today's society. And I'm angry because they are trying to sweep this under the rug, belittleing the effect this has on the ordinary people.

I do not trust my government to make just decisions concerning my country if they can't even do the same with their own political careers. And if I do not trust the government, I want to change it. I want to have a say on who gets to take that salary each month. Very least the prime minister and the vice prime minister should go. Not because I think their political views are wrong, but because I think they can't tell the difference between right and wrong.

The next few days will tell if this government will continue or if we get a new election. Most likely no one will resign and everything will go on as before, except that the general public no longer trusts the government. Finnish people are so passive that they won't get all riled up and take to the streets like the French always do when they think something is unjust. Finnish people mutter at home and with friends but never demonstrate their opinions publically. In large masses anyway. There are some groups that do, but never the majority of the nation or even a substantial amount of people. That drives me up the wall so often. Why don't the others care enough to show their opinions? Because obviously they don't care enough to act. And that is sad. In a way that makes us deserving of such a bullshit government.

I had my first ultrasound today and it turns out that I'm 2 weeks further along than previously estimated. That in turn means that no one really knows for sure when the due date is going to be. The date they gave me is just a guess, but it can be just as well two weeks off the mark. Not that I mind really. Pregnancy due dates are never an exact science.

There's nothing that could lift your spirits more than seeing those tiny hands and feet move. The baby was moving all the time and kicking his/her feet up and down. It's really difficult to interpret those blurry ultrasound images, but this nurse was such an angel, explaining in detail, where is each part of the body in any given moment. Everything was fine as long as she could tell and that was a big relief.

I've been having lower abdominal pain for the last two days and I was really getting worried, but now that I know that I'm further along with the pregnancy, it all makes sense. I even suspect I felt a few kicks this evening after getting back from the hospital, but that might be just me wishing.

I've also already told the big news to one of my classmates, who is also pregnant. It's been really lovely to talk with her and have someone there who really understands what it means to be tired during the first trimester or how difficult (impossible) it is to fight the nausea when it kicks in. I'm planning on telling the rest of my circle of friends tomorrow and after my mother gets home from her holiday I'll tell her as well. Feeling much better now that I've begun letting the secret out :)

I've been absent and I probably continue to be a while longer. Until I find myself again, or at least a little part of me. I'm feeling exhausted, lost and broken.

A lot of this is because I haven't been taking my anti-depressants since July. I haven't been taking them because I'm pregnant and the pills can cause all sorts of problems with the phoetus development. I should have talked about my pregnancy already with my psychologist, but I just haven't felt ready. I don't feel even remotely ready to tell anyone and the bumb is beginning to show. For a while people might still think that I've just gained weight, but not for very much longer.

After the enormous paper dress project ended two weeks ago, I felt empty at first and then the depression began to kick in really hard. The last time it was this hard was when I went to see the doctor and got diagnosed, also after a time-consuming and really tiring project ended. I just don't seem to know how to move on to the next project. I feel like I could sleep for weeks and when I'm awake I just feel hollow and unable to do anything. I can't get a hold of anything and I get this weird feeling of being completely isolated from everyone and everything, like I was inside a glass box and the world kept going on all around me, but I could only sit in my box and watch the days go by. I feel sort of paralyzed inside.

I also hurt my back on Tuesday after the grand paper dress fashion show while I was walking our dog. I stepped into this hole in the ground and sprained my ankle and apparently pulled the back muscle at the same time. I didn't notice anything wrong with my back until I woke up in the middle of the night into this excruciating pain on the right lower back region.

I immediately thought that it was something pregnancy related and got really scared, because that big a pain could not mean anything good. Then I thought I might have kidney infection once again (I've had it twice before and the back pain is just horrible) and panicked a little more. All this time I was on my hands and knees on the bed moaning and trying in vain to wake up my fiance who just kept on snoring (men!). Then I finally calmed down a little and figured that I could not develop that bad a kidney infection over night without any prior symptoms and if I'd have such a bad infection that my back would ache this much, I must have a high fever too (I had none). I was already much calmer as that was ruled out and I forced myself to walk to the computer and search for any pregnancy complications including this kind of back pain. I found none that would fit. At this point I was shivering and feeling really odd besides the continuous pain and I decided to check my fever again. I went back to bedroom and took out the thermometer and fell asleep while I was holding it under my arm. When I woke up the pain was still there but not nearly as bad.

So I've been at home since then taking care of my back and getting all depressed. The prospect of going to school tomorrow doesn't really make me feel happy. It always gets harder to step out of the door and go to school the longer I stay away. But it is also hard to fake that everything is okay. I could talk to my classmates in some other setting and say that everything is not okay, but at school the communication is always pretty light and I'm not sure that I'm up to a casual chat and a giggle. Or meeting the teacher. I don't have the energy to explain everything to her.

My next appointment with the psychologist is about one week away. Then I will have to tell her about the pregnancy. I'm not sure why it is such a big a deal. She is probably the one person who I know will react really well. She is paid to make me feel better, so she has to react well. I think it's more the fact that I have to say it out loud to someone. It kind of makes it inevitable that I have to say it to others as well... and there are so many who I need to tell it to. And when it's been said everything will be easier.

I won't have to pretend that I have the energy to do everything like before. I won't have to pretend that I don't feel nauseous when I smell food. And I won't have to stress about finding a shirt from my wardrobe that would hide the bumb. I could share my worries and joys with my friends and in essence be me instead of having to hold back all the time.

I had this enormous rant about my school and teacher all typed up and then I left it for a day and it felt stupid to post it now that my anger has almost gone away. I've also been sick for the past week and thus decided to give myself some shopping therapy :)

These shoes have been paid and will soon head my way and I just can't wait.


Iron Fist Hara Kiri Peep-Toe Heels


Iron Fist Muerte Killer Heels

I don't know where I'll wear these, but who cares. They are awesome ;)

And once again, I am officially a student.

As our teacher held the annual "welcome-here-are-all-the-rules" meeting, I found out that my prayers had been answered. From now on my school begins not at 8am but ten past, which is the time I have arrived throughout the 3 previous years. I am always late and that is how I am wired. If I am on time it is by accident because my clock was in wrong time. I'm not proud of it, but it seems I can't help myself. The curious thing is of course that I'm hardly ever late from meeting my friends ;)

It was alright to be back at school. There's six of us from previous year; two girls are like me and didn't graduate last May due to different kinds of reasons and 3 stayed for one more year to study hat making (millinery). I was also planning on staying that extra year to get two diplomas at once, but now there is the pregnancy thing and quite obviously I can't stay for the whole year.

My teacher was very optimistic and thought it would be possible for me to graduate at Christmas. She is usually quite bitter and seems to hate her life, but today (perhaps because it was the first day of school) she was in a happy place and so excited about me getting my studies done and continueing my studies with the millinery degree. I simply didn't have the heart to tell her that I won't be doing any hats. I also didn't know how to tell her, because I don't want to tell her yet about the pregnancy. It is such a new thing and part of the fun is keeping it to ourselves and not telling our friends and family (let alone teachers) just yet. We can read baby websites and admire cute little onesies in a store without our mothers bombarding us with phone calls on how I am feeling on any given moment. I want to get past at least that magical 12 week mark before I'm ready to spread the news.

Mostly I am worried about telling about my pregnancy to my mother. Last time she reacted well and my father was all shocked and didn't know what to say, but having more than one child has always been something of an issue for my mother. I am an only child and I think it is difficult for her to understand why someone would want more. Apparently I was quite enough for her, both in good and bad. So I don't feel that I can predict her reaction by the last one. I think she is going to think that having another baby is a bad idea (for us) but she won't say it because that wouldn't be polite, which doesn't really make things any better since I will know what she thinks any way from her expression and tone of voice.

Sometimes it really wears me down how difficult it is to communicate with my mother.

I did the test today and two pink lines appeared. Fiance bought it for me and I hid it in the room where we sleep at my parents' house. I then waited until my mother went to take her after-work nap and barricaded myself in the [only] bathroom. I read a book while I waited the instructed five minutes.

In truth I knew that I was pregnant. For three days already I've been dealing with head aches and a really awful nausea in the mornings. I'm also really tired all the time. The head ache lasts all day although it subsides towards the evening. The nausea is worst around midday and then slowly gets better and in the evening I feel quite alright. Six more weeks of this.

I'm happy. I didn't know how much I wanted to be a mother before our daughter was born. With her everything has been difficult from the nightmarish colic to the teething and ear infection and still I want more children. Because even though it is tough, those little moments each day when she does something new, something she has just learned or simply just giggles, they are the ones I think of and remember. To me she is the most adorable little girl in the world, even when she screams in the middle of the night because her ears ache and I can't do anything but to try to comfort her.

Fiance is happy. He worries a lot about me and daughter and now he worries about the pregnancy too. He is scared that something will go wrong. Somehow he didn't think of that when I was pregnant the first time. It dawned on him only after our daughter was born. I worry too of course, but I read a lot of pregnancy-related books and articles the first time and I think I feel a bit calmer now. I at least have a vague idea how things should move along.

At the moment I just worry about getting through the daily stuff while feeling nauseated all the time. The diaper changes are the worst. I don't even know how I manage those.

I had completely forgotten how physically draining this first trimester is. The rest of the pregnancy was so amazing. I'd better start browsing for some onesies in the mornings so that I forget my nausea and focus on the good stuff.

I'm getting ready for the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. That mainly means stocking up on caffeine so that I won't be the one amusing and annoying the rest of the audience with my ladylike snoring.

I'm going there with my father, who is (quite amusingly) one of the biggest Potter fans I know. He knows the books by heart and asked me to get tickets for us to the movie like we were in some kind of hurry and I did and found out that the tickets had been on sale only an hour. We have super-good seats in the biggest movie theatre in the country.

It's been our thing to go to see the new Potter-film together. We've been doing it since the Prisoner of Azkaban. My father never goes to cinema, except to the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.

It's nice to have something like that to share with him, although he is far more excited about it all than I am. I want to be such a parent too when I'm older. Who said parents should only like drama and action and read boring books? Who said parents couldn't like little wizards who can fly on broomsticks? You wouldn't believe how indepth conversations me and my father can have on the Harry Potter's hidden moral messages and criticism on today's society. He can analyze the books to death.

Because it seems everyone is making one and it seems like a fun idea and a good way to remember little details from the past. This is only from June onwards, because my memory can't hold too many things.

[insert fancy graphic here]

( wrong way on a one-way track... )

We are returning back home for a week today It feels like we have been away for ages, although it is only a month. My mother went there last weekend to get a video camera, which she wanted to take with her to a holiday abroad and she said that our garden looked hideous. It's been so hot lately that I'm not really that surprised. I am sad though, as we planted some nice roses and lilies there this spring and now they are either dead or heading that way. I'm going to spend my week at home pampering all the flowers and fixing up a watering system for them.

We are also going to get our puppy today. That makes me happier than I have been in a long while. It is a mongrel. The owners of the mommy dog don't know who the father is, but apparently the puppies are larger than the previous accidental litter, so they are suspecting the daddy is a larger fellow also.

I am from a family that has always had dogs and since I moved away from home, I have wanted to get a dog. But for several years as a poor student, I always rented such small apartments that I simply thought it would be unfair for the dog to live like that. When I moved to a slightly bigger apartment I took two cats, because I thought they'd be easier to move from one place to another and as indoor cats they wouldn't need daily walks. When we moved to our current house, which finally was a great home for a dog, it was so badly in need of renovation that we decided to wait until we had more rooms in habitable condition. Then I got pregnant and we decided to wait until the baby was a bit older. Now I'm getting a dog no matter what. I've been waiting literally for years now to have a dog.

I can hardly wait.

I'm having problems with my sleeping once again. They began as daughter got sick and screamed for two nights before we took her to a doctor who diagnosed ear infection and gave her meds. Then I got the flu she had and have been coughing until my throat and lungs ache for the last week. It's really difficult to fall asleep with such a cough and I notice I keep sitting by the laptop until 2 or 3 am just because it is so frustrating to be in bed and not be able to sleep.

I've already noticed that my daily rhythm is shifting and that is not good. Since I still need to get up in the morning with daughter it just means that I'm getting less and less sleep. I should correct it before the insomnia takes over, but instead I keep on drinking too much coffee during the days, which of course hardly helps.

I also might be pregnant. Last time it took us half a year until I got pregnant, but then I had been eating pills and since daughter was born I haven't taken them. I tried for a while, but I just had too much on my mind all the time and I kept on forgetting to take them and after a while I just gave up. I will know in three weeks.

Fiance is a bit nervous about it. It's not bad turn of events if I am pregnant because we have planned a slightly bigger family, but it's maybe not the best of times either. I loved being pregnant and I do have a bit of a baby fever going on, but if I think about this rationally then it would make sense to wait with the second child.

I would have to change my anti-depressants or quit taking them altogether. I don't know what is the way to do it. It's not that big of a deal but it's something to think about since I have just about got used to my current meds. I'm also depressed and depressed mother with a baby and a 2 year old isn't perhaps the best combination. I should also take care of myself and put myself first sometimes. Then there is my school, which should last until December. The pregnancy shouldn't interfere with that in any way, but you never know how things go when there's a baby on the way.

The biggest worry that I have regarding getting pregnant again is my health. I gained some weight during my last pregnancy and have gained some more since the depression struck me down because I drown my tears in food. I've been meaning to get back into my fitness routine for ages but have lacked motivation as always. We decided to begin trying for another baby after I graduate and I thought I might be able to drop some pounds before that. If I am already pregnant then I can't really diet properly, which means another pregnancy filled with blood sugar control and depressing amounts of moral talk from the nurses. Being an over-weight mother is the biggest crime to them and it is so hard to deal with when you're already depressed. I don't normally have a problem with my size. Of course I'd like to lose weight but only to be healthier. But it eats away at my already bad self esteem to be critisized about my size each time I go to the monthly check-up, especially by these women who are double my size. I always feel like saying to them that You aren't like a fairy yourself either but keep my mouth shut. I know they mean well and want me to be healthier, but you know... it's all about the choice of words and the tone in which things are said.

Ah well... I shouldn't stress about it. I should start by correcting my sleeping routine and then go to long daily walks with daughter in the stroller and perhaps ad in a bit of strength training after a while and if in three weeks I find out that I am pregnant then at least I've made good use of my time and if there is no baby then we can proceed with the plan A.

Time to bed now.

Soon we have been living with my parents for a month already. In truth it hasn't been as bad as I expected. In some odd ways I think it has done only good for me and fiance. We don't bicker as much about each other's behaviour but rather that of my parents'. Not that I don't grow tired of that too, but it is refreshing that I am not the topic of complaints every once in a while.

I have been seeing my therapist sporadically for about three months now and she is a wonderful woman. I seem to be in luck when it comes to psychologists. I always get the ones that are really easy to talk to. We are now slowly moving past the getting to know each other stage and stepping into the uncharted territories of my troubled mind. I have begun to realize that my mind is much more troubled than I had thought.

I've been on anti-depressants since I first saw my doctor and although my dose is ridiculously low, I still dive head first into the murky waters if I forget to take my pill. I become this teary-eyed passive slob that slouches through the day in fog. So I try to remember my pill of joy each morning. I have nothing against my medication. It makes me function and I'm able to think more clearly and analyze why I'm feeling so blue. The pills also combat my anxiety attacks and I haven't had one since I began taking them. My usually very jumpy emotions have also calmed down and it's such a relief. I no longer cry about everything, be it good or bad.

Things have moved along, which I guess is kind of the whole point of taing meds and meeting with a therapist. Yet I am still depressed and still pretty much as lost with myself as I was before. I'm feeling very small in the middle of all these problems. I don't know how to deal with my issues, which I've started to notice, are actually quite big.

One thing that I've mostly talked about during my therapy sessions, is my anxiety over what the future might bring. I stress way too much over my education and fiance's education. I have realized that I am a worrier. I worry about everything and carry everyone's worries on my shoulders. Then there is my  obsessive-compulsive mother, who really should get some help of her own (although she definitely doesn't think she needs any). And there is my heart-broken father who tries to live with my mother, who is awfully mean and bitchy to him. It breaks my heart to see him so unhappy and yet still in love with my mother, hoping against all odds, that she would go back to being the fun and silly woman she was before.

And then there is my crumbling self esteem, which I still haven't dared to bring up. All my life I've been holding up this image of being strong and I used to actually like myself with jelly belly and lovehandles and all, but now when I look in the mirror I see this pile of fat and ugly face. Nothing looks good on me and I no longer believe in my skills either. I'm no good is what I feel. It is what I hear from other people as well, whatever it is they are really saying. I don't know how to deal with this new depressed me. She scares me on a daily basis. I'd like to kick her out of me, but she ain't giving up that easily.

I'm getting back to my reading now that daughter is a bit older and actually lets us sleep through the nights. Diving blindly into the imaginary world of fiction also makes me momentarily forget how gloomy I feel, all the time. LibraryThing is hosting a challenge in which you read 9 books from 9 different categories. Both the categories and the books are chosen by you. Below are my choices.

Titles in bold have been read.
Titles in italics I have on my shelves.
Titles in blue are extras.

( the reading list is below the cut )

And just for fun without any deadlines I shall also attempt the What's In The Name Challenge 1 and 2. Below (and under the cut) my book choices for that challenge. Some may overlap with the 999 challenge :)

( book list under the cut )

I am visiting my parents at the moment. I came here today with my father and will go back home tomorrow with my mother. It's just a quick visit, because I have a meeting concerning a job that I've agreed to do. I'm officially on sick leave now, but since there are children involved and I have already kind of promised them that I'll do this job, I can't go back on my word. My boyfriend says that I could do it, because I am sick, but I kind of think that it might be a good thing to have something else to focus on than my gloomy thoughts. It is a gamble.

If I can't handle the schedule and the stress, I'm even more likely to collapse into a crying heap than in ideal conditions, which would include me not depressed. If I can, it'll be such a heart warming thing to see the joy on the children's faces. I'm going forward with this and gambling. I doubt it'll make things worse in any case, so I don't really have anything to lose. If everything goes badly, I'll crawl into a dark bedroom and under the covers and stay there for a couple of days. If everything goes fine, I'll try going back to school.

The awkward moment with my mother, that I was so afraid of, has passed. It was awkward, but also predictable, which made it easier. I cried on the phone. She asked me why I hadn't talked to her sooner, like I knew she would. As if it was my duty to inform her on everything that happens in my life. She told me that she could've pointed me to the direction of the private practise right away and made me promise that the next time I'm in doubt with something like that I'll call her. Like I need her to show me how good she is with stuff like this. I know very well that I fall short in many areas when it comes to organizing, if I'm compared to my mother. She is the queen of organizing. I wanted to say to her that I didn't call her sooner because I knew that she would immediately jump in and begin to organize everything on my behalf, which is something that was fine when I was 15, but is NOT fine when I'm 27. It makes me feel like she thinks that I'm some kind of idiot who is not able to take care of her own things. And it makes me feel that other people, the ones she organizes things with, begin to think that way about me as well. I know she means well, but it's just too much.

I had a minor breakdown last autumn as I had problems with a particular teacher at my school and  as I told about my feelings to my mother, she adviced me to go and talk to the student councelor, which was my plan already. Then she asked me if I wanted her to organize this meeting. I told her NO, I'd deal with it myself. Then an hour later she sends me a message that this student councellor will see me tomorrow morning at eight. I almost threw the phone to the nearest wall. I called her back and told her that I had explicitly said NO to her and yet she went behind my back and called anyway. It seems that she believes that her opinion as my mother means more than my opinion, even though I am almost thirty and live on my own, have lived on my own the last 12 years and have my own child.

My depression makes this situation even worse, because now she does not only see me as her daughter and someone she can organize the way she pleases, but as a person whose character is weak. I can see it in the way she looks at me and the way she talks to me that she is already making plans on how to fix this for me. Like she could, whatever stunts she pulled.

I need her to back off so badly.

- Lili

I went to see a doctor today. I decided against the public health care and thus found myself in a small waiting room on the 6th floor with shaky hands and a heart that was beating way too fast. It was a big thing in itself to leave the house and venture in to the city. Seeing the doctor meant that I had to put into words how I feel and that felt impossible.

Of course she was wonderful. In private practices doctors are always wonderful. She wrote me a prescription for some pills to take while I wait for my appointment with a psychologist. I also got 2 weeks off from school.

It is a relief to have it over and done with. It is a relief that I don't have to feel guilty about skipping school now. And it is a relief to know that I'm going to get help. Finally.

- Lili

Yesterday was a bit better than most of the days this week. Today the fear is back.

I am not sure what it is that scares me. Lack of control perhaps. Lack of control over my life, over myself, over my emotions. I feel like crying all the time and I am unable to hold back the tears even less than usually. People generally think that I am strong, opinionated and loud. Now I'm none of those things. That scares me as well. I don't know how to be when I'm unable to be like I am usually. Being weak every once in a while isn't bad, but I feel like I should be strong all the time. There are people who count on me. I should be strong for my daughter. She needs me and I should be strong for her. I should be strong for my man. He is the depressed one, the one with problems in life and I should be there to support him, not crumble in to pieces in front of him. It scares me that I'm unable to stay strong for my family.

I have all these things I need to do and it scares me that I won't be able to take care of them, because everything is falling out of my hands and speeding away fast. The world is moving away from me. Each morning that I wake up into this same feeling of emptiness and sadness makes the fear grow, because surely these feelings should begin to pass already.

I'm scared of facing my teacher after being absent from school for so long and not giving her a proper reason. I'm scared of talking to my mother, who will instantly know that something is wrong and hop into her car and drive over and make everything even worse with her speeches about being strong and staying strong and not letting the world get you down. I can't imagine her never being depressed in her life and at least if she has been, she has forgotten how it feels. I don't want this. I want to be one of those succesful and efficient people who are productive and get things done.

In my mother's world there always has to be a clear cut reason for everything. You can be sad if someone has died or is very sick or if you lose your job. You can't just wake up sad one morning and not get over it by forcing the dark thoughts away. You can't become sadder little by little over time until one day everything is just too much. And god forbid a woman should feel weak. Women are the cornerstone of humanity and they carry all the shit on their shoulders and never stumble or fall. My mother doesn't want to see weakness. I think it scares her. And she always wants to act as this big saviour who wipes all the signs of weakness under the rug and thus keeps the world clean of dangerous things.

I fear the unavoidable confrontation with her the most. I know she will knock me down. She is so dominating. My father already saw and heard me weep, but being a person with extreme difficulties in expressing his feelings he kept on going like nothing had happened, which in a way was good. At least I didn't feel like a total failure as a daughter becase I couldn't meet the standards of behaviour my mother has set. 

When I begin to think about it, I have so much stuff in my life that could result in depression. And I hold it all in. I haven't talked about it to anyone. I haven't written it out. I haven't drawn or painted it out. No wonder I feel like I'm about to explode all over my messy life. I actually look forward to seeing the doctor. Although I fear that he won't send me to see a psychologist, like the last two times I've tried to get help. Apparently I don't give off the right vibes for a depressed individual as they never believe me. Or perhaps it is just a system that doesn't work or too many patients and some have to be cut. I don't know, but I'm scared that I won't be believed.

The fear is everywhere. And it is making me a bit paranoid already. I've never felt crazy before, but now I already have started to feel like I'm not all there.

That is scary as well.

- Lili

I always pick up challenges like this and end up forgetting to see them through and here I am yet again picking up a challenge like that. I love movies, so 100 in a year shouldn't be that hard to accomplish... And here the list begins.

038/100

( I'm neither here nor there... [list under cut] )

I always have such a hard time trying to come up with a decent username for anything really. I'd like to think myself as a pretty creative woman, but usernames are clearly my pitfall. I wanted something with the word aquarelle, my favorite word. It is something light, colorful and full of emotions. I wish my dreams would always be like aquarelles. I could swim through those soft swirls and gentle strokes of liquid color all night and wake up with a smile on my lips.

I'm not sure of the direction this journal will take. I have been feeling very blue lately, empty inside, going through the necessary motions of my life, unwilling to step out to the real world, unable to gather my courage and go see a doctor, unable to go to school. The thought of physically leaving the house makes me feel sick. My insides curl up in a ball and try to hide like I would like to do. I want to hide under the covers from the sunlight and from my life.

I should write I think. It could help me. It has always been my way of dealing with everything. I should also find myself a head doctor who'd give me some happy pills, so that I could go through the necessary motions of my life more efficiently and actually step outside. So I guess I'll be writing about the darkness that has fallen over me and the glimpses of hope and such nonsense.

I also want to create. Perhaps my constant inexplicable sadness has fueled up my creativity, because even as everything else seems impossible, a strong need to create has overcome my usually rather lazy self. I suddenly find myself wanting to set up an enormous canvas and paint, anything, whatever comes to mind. I want to experiment, try new techniques. Just create. Perhaps it is another way of dealing with whatever it is that is dragging me down. Or perhaps I just want to surround myself with beautiful things to feel better.

I try not to be too whiny. Depressed people tend to be a bit depressing and rather whiny and drown in their self pity and I will most likely join the masses in that respect, but I will try not to turn this outlet of mine into a pity party.

Feel free to friend me, other artists in pain.

- Lili